nin

"There is only one relief: to confess, to be caught, tried, punished. That's the ideal of every criminal. But it's not so simple. Only half of the self wants to atone, be freed of the torments of guilt. The other half of man wants to continue to be free. So only half of the self surrenders, calling out "catch me," while the other half creats obstacles, difficulties; seeks to escape. It's a flirtation with justice. If justice is nimble, it will follow the clue with the criminal's help. If not, the criminal will take care of his own atonement." (6)

...a huge blackboard, and she took a sponge and effaced it all by a phrase which left in suspense who had been at the baths; or, perhaps, this was a story she had read, or heard at a bar; and, as soon as it was erased in the mind of her listeners, she began another...

The faces and the figures of her personages appeared only half drawn; and when the lie detecter had just begun to perceive them, another face and figure were interposed as in a dream. And, when he believed she had been talking about a woman, it turned out that she had been talking about a man; and, when the image of the man began to form, it turned out the lie detector had not heard aright: it was a young man who resembled a woman who had once taken care of Sabina; and this young man was instantly metamorphosed into a group of people who had humiliated her one night. (9)

She held her breath. That was what she was always doing, holding her breath so that the truth would never come out, at any time, not here with Alan, and not in the hotel room with a lover, who had asked questions about Alan. She held her breath to choke the truth, made one more effort to be the very actress she denied being, to act the part she denied acting, to describe this trip she had not taken, to recreate the woman who had been away for eight days, so that the smile would not vanish from Alan's face, so that his trustingness and happiness would not be shattered. (19)

Nin, Anaïs. A Spy in the House of Love. Chicago: Swallow Press, 1959.